


Road Trip to Hell, Texas

by karcathy



Series: Homestuck Road Trip [1]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Crack, Gen, and dumb, really really silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-02
Updated: 2013-02-02
Packaged: 2017-11-27 23:00:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/667439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/karcathy/pseuds/karcathy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave Strider wants a road trip with his friends. Dave's Bro (reluctantly) agrees to act as chauffeur. Dave's friends (also for the most part reluctantly) agree to come along. Some people who are almost definitely not Dave's friends also come along. Bro tells Dave that he can take five friends, maximum, no arguing. Dave invites three, and nine turn up. Bro prepares for hell on four wheels.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Road Trip to Hell, Texas

**Author's Note:**

> The numbers refer to the time - so 0.30 would be half an hour into the trip. Negative numbers are before the trip has started. This fic is very silly.
> 
> I might write another part, I'm not sure yet. Maybe if people like it.

-2.05

John turns up two hours early, with Karkat in tow. Karkat and Dave both swear they’ll never go in the same vehicle as the other in a million years. John attempts to mediate, unsuccessfully. Karkat reaches new levels of anger. Dave appears to keep his cool. Bro cracks open his first beer, glad he’s prepared a cooler for the trip. Somehow, he thinks he’s going to need them. Everyone neglects to point out that drinking and driving is both highly illegal and highly dangerous.

 

-1.49

Dave and Karkat are sitting on opposite sides of the room, ignoring each other, when Feferi and Eridan turn up. Eridan makes a rude comment. Feferi tells him off. The atmosphere in the room becomes even more unpleasant. Bro starts his second beer.

 

-1.42

Sollux turns up, grumbling. It appears Karkat texted him desperately begging him to come along. He agreed just to shut him up. He already regrets this decision.

 

-1.40

Eridan is looking at Karkat. He appears to be checking him out, albeit with a slightly disgusted expression. Karkat looks mildly terrified. Eridan seems to be trying to decide whether his hatred for most of the human race outweighs his desperation. As usual, it doesn’t.

 

-1.36

Karkat is trying to hide behind Sollux. Eridan gives up on him, and moves on to checking out the rest of the room. Everyone tries to make themselves scarce. Dave wonders who the hell told Eridan to come along anyway. Bro contemplates his third beer. He’s starting to think that the beer is the only one who understands him. Sadly, he’s probably right.

 

-1.28

Vriska arrives. Dave is fairly certain no one invited her. He’s fairly certain no one in their right mind invites Vriska Serket anywhere. Then again, he’s also fairly certain that few if any of his friends are in their right mind.

 

-1.24

Vriska has made the atmosphere less quiet, if not any less awkward. Dave wonders whether she’s actually capable of shutting up. Bro begins to wonder whether he can call this whole thing off.

 

-1.18

Terezi arrives. Her and Vriska glare at each other across the room. Dave thinks that whole new levels of awkwardness have now been achieved. He thinks this is an occasion to go down in history. Unfortunately, the room is too awkward for him to actually voice these thoughts.

 

-1.15

Bro points out that seven people have now turned up, which is two more than his limit. Dave points out that he only actually invited one of these people. He says they aren’t due to leave for another hour and a quarter, and that he’d like some more people he actually likes to come with them. Bro starts his fourth beer.

 

-1.10

Dave has begun pacing the room. No one is saying anything. Not even Vriska.

 

-1.03

Rose and Jade arrive. Dave looks extremely relieved to see them. He says they can leave now. Bro says he can’t fit eleven people in the minivan. Dave says he bets he can. Bro asks how much he bets. Dave says fifty dollars. They go down to the minivan.

 

-0.56

They cannot fit eleven people in the minivan. Dave hands Bro a fifty dollar note. Bro thinks he’s probably going to spend it on beer. Dave thinks this too.

 

-0.53

They decide that, at most, they can fit nine people in the minivan. Bro was angling for four. They begin arguing over who has to go home.

 

-0.52

Sollux and Eridan volunteer to go home. Karkat and Feferi won’t let them. They both pout.

 

-0.48

Jade and Rose offer to leave. They say they weren’t particularly interested in the trip anyway. Dave doesn’t want them to leave, but he doesn’t know a way to beg for them to stay without looking completely uncool. They leave before anyone can stop them.

 

-0.42

Everyone attempts to get into the minivan without ending up next to someone they absolutely loathe.

 

-0.26

They’re still trying.

 

-0.18

Bro draws up a seating plan. He assigns everyone a seat, with no room for argument. Vriska, Karkat and Terezi end up at the back. Vriska gleefully observes that there are exactly nine seats in the minivan. Karkat starts banging his head against the seat in front of him.

 

-0.16

Eridan tells Karkat to stop banging his head against his seat. Somehow, he manages to make it suggestive. Karkat shrinks as far back into his seat as he can.

 

-0.14

Bro tells everyone to put their seatbelts on. John and Feferi put their seatbelts on.

 

-0.12

Bro tells _everyone_ to put their seatbelts on. Dave, Sollux and Eridan reluctantly buckle up.

 

-0.09

Bro tells Vriska and Terezi to put their seatbelts on. Vriska tells Bro to put _his_ seatbelt on.

 

-0.04

Bro, Vriska and Terezi all put their seatbelts on. Bro checks that everyone else still has their seatbelt on. Dave tells Bro he’s being way too safety-conscious for a guy who’s just had four beers before driving. Bro tells Dave something not fit for thirteen-year-old ears. Eight sets of thirteen-year-old ears listen in various states of glee and horror.

 

0.00

They leave.

 

0.01

Bro realises he forgot his beer.

 

0.02

Bro turns the van around to go back and get his beer.

 

0.03

Dave stops him. Forcefully.

 

0.04

They do not go back and get the beer. Bro thinks a road trip with eight thirteen-year-olds and no beer might just be a circle of hell designed especially for him.

 

0.06

Karkat and Sollux have gotten out old Gameboys, and Sollux has twisted around in his seat so he can play with Karkat. By play with, I mean totally destroy. Karkat is useless at video games.

 

0.09

Karkat has hurled his Gameboy in frustration. It hits Bro’s headrest. Bro turns around and starts yelling at Karkat. He threatens to pull the van over. Dave realises Bro has turned into a frustrated single mother of eight. He doesn’t think this was part of Bro’s life plan.

 

0.12

Vriska and Terezi have started arguing across Karkat. Karkat is trying to make himself as small as possible. He already has a good start here.

 

0.14

Eridan has turned around and is awkwardly hitting on Karkat. Karkat is now under siege from all sides. He’s beginning to wish he’d never been born.

 

0.17

Vriska has stopped arguing with Terezi in order to make fun of Eridan. Everyone else, especially Karkat, thinks Eridan had it coming.

 

0.21

The back corner of the van has turned into a detailed discussion of Eridan’s love life. In the front passenger seat, Dave has turned on the radio and is searching for the most ironic radio station he can find. In the middle, Feferi, John and Sollux are all staring out of the window. John is feeling bored. He wonders what’s so great about road trips, anyway.

 

0.23

Dave has found a station that seems to exclusively play pop music from the eighties. John has started chatting to Feferi. They don’t have much in common.

 

0.25

Sollux has returned to his Gameboy. He hopes it has enough battery left to last for most of the trip.

 

0.27

Vriska has stopped talking to (read: over) Karkat, Terezi and Eridan, and has taken control of Sollux’s Gameboy. She ignores his protests and begins playing furiously. Karkat hopes he might finally get some peace.

 

0.33

Vriska has beaten all of Sollux’s high scores. ALL OF THEM.

 

0.35

Sollux has taken his Gameboy back, and is muttering bitterly under his breath. Vriska is boasting about how awesome she is at video games, and how much everyone else sucks in comparison to her.

 

0.37

Karkat keeps glancing nervously at Terezi. Vriska is giving them sly looks out of the corner of her eye.

 

0.41

Eridan is trying to hit on Karkat again. Karkat has buried his face in his hands. He wishes he didn’t exist. Next to him, Terezi is giggling.

 

0.45

Dave has demanded they pull over to buy snacks.

 

0.47

Bro reluctantly pulls over, and disappears into a small corner store.

 

0.54

Bro returns from the store with four carrier bags, all stuffed with bottles of soda, bags of chips and chocolate bars. Inside the minivan, several loud arguments are taking place. Bro gets back into the driver’s seat, yells at everyone, and bribes them with food to shut up. The van is relatively quiet as they drive off.

 

1.06

All the snacks are gone. Dave asks for more snacks. Bro ignores him.

 

1.08

In a louder voice, Dave asks for more snacks. Bro tells him to shut up. The word fuck somehow manages to find its way into that sentence more than once.

 

1.12

Terezi is bouncing in her seat. Somehow, she managed to drink all the Coca-Cola. All two litres of it. Bro thinks that probably isn’t healthy. He also thinks it’s going to be fucking annoying.

 

1.14

Bro was right. Terezi is enthusiastically sniffing Karkat’s ear. She says he smells like despair. Bro doesn’t blame him.

 

1.16

Terezi is still bouncing up and down, now because she desperately needs to pee. Drinking two litres of Coke in ten minutes can do that to a person.

 

1.18

Bro is searching for a service station, or anywhere with a toilet, to no avail. He keeps giving Terezi nervous glances. Karkat and Vriska have edged as far away from her as they can.

 

1.22

Bro is still searching. Terezi has gone very quiet. Karkat is practically sitting in Vriska’s lap.

 

1.24

Bro has stopped searching and pulled over. He pulls Terezi out of the van and drags her towards a bush. She doesn’t quite make it. Bro edges away from the spreading puddle.

 

1.25

Bro has returned to the van to search for dry clothes. He glares pointedly at everyone, especially Vriska.

 

1.27

Bro has found a pair of his old jeans, and some string. Feferi has produced a pair of pink frilly panties. No one asks why she brought them. Bro especially doesn’t want to know. He goes back outside, hands the clothes to Terezi, along with a white sheet, which was the closest thing to a towel he could find. She disappears behind the bush.

 

1.36

Terezi emerges from behind the bush, barefoot, the too-large jeans held up by the string, and clutching her soiled jeans, sneakers and underwear wrapped up in the sheet. Bro laughs good-naturedly and says she looks properly rural now. He stows the sheet in the back of the van and promises to stop soon and buy her some new jeans. She stays unnaturally quiet as she gets back in the van. No one says anything, even Vriska. Karkat seems to be reminding Vriska not to say anything. His elbows are extremely pointy.

 

1.42

Vriska says something about how she wishes Terezi could see how stupid she looks right now, then collapses into gales of laughter. Everyone else wonders when blindness became so funny. Vriska comes down with a sudden case of elbow to the solar plexus.

 

1.45

Bro spots a thrift store and pulls over. He disappears inside, and returns with a pair of bright red jeans and some green sneakers. Terezi accepts them with a grin, then goes to change.

 

1.57

Terezi returns to the van in her new finery. They fit reasonably well, and Karkat thinks she looks great. She says she loves the jeans. Apparently, they smell great. Bro thinks they probably smell second-hand. They set off again, Bro’s old jeans abandoned by the roadside. He doesn’t think he particularly wants them back.

 

2.00

Two hours into the trip, John finally thinks to ask where they’re going. Dave doesn’t know. Neither does Bro. The general consensus is that they’re driving in any direction, for any amount of time. No one has brought any substantial luggage. Bro thinks he might have to do a lot of shopping.

 

2.04

No one seems to know exactly where they are, not even Bro. He hasn’t seen a road sign in a while. The general consensus is that they’re in America, probably. Eridan thinks they might have accidentally crossed into Mexico. Sollux nearly gives himself concussion facepalming. He wonders how he ended up next to such an idiot.

 

2.07

John asks how long it would take to get to Canada. He says he’s always wanted to go to Canada. Karkat says no one wants to go to Canada. Bro doesn’t want to go to Canada. Bro wants to go home.

 

2.11

Terezi is hungry. She says it’s well past lunch time. Everyone else agrees. Bro finds himself suddenly trapped in a minivan with eight loud, hungry thirteen-year-olds. He now knows what Hell is like.

 

2.15

Bro has found a McDonald’s and pulled over. He wonders whether using the drive-thru would be a worse or better decision than going inside. He decides to go inside, and make sure that everyone takes full advantage of the restrooms, especially Terezi.

 

2.17

Bro enters McDonald’s with eight thirteen-year-olds in tow, and receives horrified looks from all the other patrons. Some of them seem to be under the impression that they’re all his, despite the fact that they’re all the same age, and don’t look anything alike. Bro gathers them all by the counter and gets them to place their orders. He feels like a mother hen. He looks like one, too.

 

2.22

Bro hopes the girl behind the counter got all that. He certainly didn’t. He thinks it probably doesn’t matter if some of them get the wrong meal, as McDonald’s food is all pretty much the same anyway, and all of it stretches the definition of food.

 

2.24

Bro herds his charges to a corner table and makes them all sit down whilst he waits for the food. He tells them not to disrupt the other customers, or he’ll take them straight home. He wonders when he became a single mother of eight. Bro looks at his life. Bro looks at his choices.

 

2.27

Bro carries the first batch of food over to the table. The eight thirteen-year-olds begin fighting over it. He leaves them to it and returns to the counter. The girl gives him a sympathetic look. She asks them if they’re all his. He says the blonde one in the shades is his brother, and that he doesn’t know where the others came from. She doesn’t realise he’s joking. She seems to think that either he’s the new Peter Pan, or a kidnapping serial killer child molester. Either way, she stops talking to him.

 

2.35

Everyone has their food. Bro sits at one end of the table, quietly eating his hamburger and hoping the kids stay quiet. He reminds Terezi not to drink too much Coke, and to go to the toilet before they go. Dave realises his Bro has actually turned into his mother, and the mother of all of his friends. He wonders where a perpetually single, puppet-obsessed man got the mothering instinct of a broody hen. He also wonders whether they do returns.

 

2.39

Vriska is flicking fries at Terezi. Bro tells her to stop.

 

2:41

Vriska is still flicking fries at Terezi. Bro tells her if she keeps doing it she can eat outside.

 

2.43

Vriska is outside, eating next the the van and sulking. Dave is impressed by Bro’s ability to carry through on threats.

 

2.47

Eridan is hitting on Karkat again. He’s sitting next to him, and making everyone uncomfortable. Karkat stuffs the rest of his chicken nuggets in his mouth and flees to the restroom. Sollux looks as if he’s torn between feeling sorry for him and being glad he’s not in his position. He seems to be leaning towards the latter.

 

2.49

Eridan goes to the restroom too. Bro doesn’t want to know what he’s going to do. He hopes he’s just going to pee.

 

2.52

John and Dave are whispering furiously in the corner. Bro thinks they might be planning a prank. Bro hopes they aren’t planning a prank.

 

2.54

Bro reflects that the table is much quieter without Karkat, Vriska and Eridan. Terezi and Feferi are giggling about something, John and Dave are still conspiring, and Sollux has taken out his Gameboy again. Bro enjoys the peace for a moment, before realising he should probably check on Vriska. Knowing her, awful things could be happening outside.

 

2.57

Bro finds Vriska perched innocently on the hood of the minivan. He checks it for sabotage – carefully. All clear. He allows Vriska back inside on the condition that she remains silent and stays away from Terezi. She nods, theatrically sealing her lips.

 

3.01

Bro realises that Eridan and Karkat have been in the restroom for more than ten minutes. He thinks he should probably check on them, and rescue Karkat. He tells the others to behave. He isn’t sure who to give responsibility to, so he just says he’ll hold them all responsible if anything happens. He doesn’t say what he’ll do if it does. They all assume it’s something diabolical.

 

3.05

In the restroom, Bro finds that Karkat is locked in a cubicle, which Eridan is standing outside and talking at. From inside the cubicle, he can hear muffled insults, most of which contain the word “fuck” in various forms. Bro is surprised by Karkat’s inventiveness.

 

3.07

Bro sends Eridan back out to the table, and tells Karkat it’s safe to come out now. He emerges cautiously, checks the coast is clear, and goes to wash his hands. Bro suggests a rearrangement in his seating plan. Karkat agrees whole-heartedly.

 

3.09

They return to the table, and Bro says it’s time to leave. He can’t believe how much time they’ve spent in McDonald’s. He thinks it should probably be illegal to spend this much time in McDonald’s.

 

3.16

Bro has finally managed to shepherd all his charges outside. Controlling eight thirteen-year-olds full of McDonald’s is even harder than it sounds. He tells everyone to get back into their assigned seats, then makes Eridan swap with John. Eridan pouts, but complies. Karkat looks relieved.

 

3.18

Bro gets into the van. His seat makes a farting noise. John collapses into fits of giggles. Bro knows who to blame. He’s impressed that Dave and John managed to sew the seat up again in the time it took for him to retrieve Karkat from the restroom.

 

3.23

Bro has removed the whoopee cushion and repaired his seat. He really hopes Vriska didn’t manage to perform any sabotage.

 

3.24

Vriska did managed to perform some sabotage. The minivan is now full of glitter, which rained from the air-conditioning vents as soon as Bro started the van. Bro is not amused. Everyone else is. They are all literally sparkling.

 

3.26

They set off. Bro is feeling the least manly he’s ever felt.

 

3.29

Everyone else has ceased to be amused. Vast quantities of glitter in the air-conditioning vents tends to be damaging. In this case, it means the air conditioning is broken. Bro opens all the windows. It doesn’t help much.

 

3.35

Bro spots a garage and pulls in. The mechanics laugh a lot when they see what the problem is. They say they can have the air conditioning fixed in under an hour, but it’ll cost a lot. Bro winces when he hears how much, but agrees. He herds his charges into the thankfully air-conditioned office to wait.

 

3.38

Bro has to make Eridan stand on the opposite side of the room to Karkat. He tells him that if he catches him harassing Karkat again, he’ll make him walk home.

 

3.40

Eridan is sulking next to the water cooler. He’s slumped on the ground with his cape over his head. Bro wonders what a thirteen-year-old kid is doing wearing a cape, anyway.

 

3.42

Feferi has sat down next to Eridan. She seems to be trying to comfort him. It doesn’t look like it’s working.

 

3.46

Vriska is trying her own brand of comforting on Eridan. If anything, she’s making things worse. Bro tactically gets her to leave him alone. He wishes that these kids got along better.

 

3.49

Feferi has persuaded Eridan to emerge from his cape. He is now complaining at her. Bro thinks he wouldn’t want to be in her place for a million dollars. She looks like she feels the same way.

 

3.51

Karkat is arguing with John. He looks annoyed. John looks amused. Dave also looks amused. Bro keeps checking the clock. He hopes the repairs won’t take much longer.

 

3.54

Karkat has found a piece of paper and a pen, and has started drawing a diagram. John is giggling.

 

3.57

Dave is trying to take the pen off of Karkat. Karkat won’t let go.

 

3.59

Dave is making Karkat draw inappropriate things.

 

4.01

Karkat has gone running to Bro. He tells him Dave tried to steal the pen and made him draw inappropriate things. Bro gives Karkat an awkward hug. He tells Dave to stop being mean. Dave sighs and rolls his eyes. Bro wonders why teenagers have to be so difficult.

 

4.03

Terezi has found some crayons. She’s sitting in the corner with Karkat, drawing pictures. Karkat wonders how she manages to draw when she can’t even see. Despite her random colour choice, she’s still better than he is.

 

4.05

Bro makes a headcount. Terezi and Karkat are in the corner; Feferi and Eridan, by the water cooler; Dave and John are conspiring again; Sollux has gotten out his Gameboy; and Vriska... is nowhere to be seen. Bro swears under his breath and goes outside to look for her.

 

4.13

Bro finds Vriska. She’s with the mechanics, watching them work and asking far too many questions. Bro asks them if she’s being annoying. They say no. Bro is glad to leave her out there, but tells them to make sure she doesn’t attempt more sabotage. He says the glitter trick was her idea.

 

4.16

Bro returns to the office to find Terezi drawing on the walls. He confiscates the crayons and makes Karkat help her clean it off. When Karkat complains, he tells him he was using the crayons too, and so is equally responsible. Karkat doesn’t like Bro any more.

 

4.22

Karkat and Terezi have finished cleaning the wall. Sollux was laughing at them the whole time. Karkat tells him his laugh is annoying. Sollux says Karkat’s face is annoying. Karkat collapses on the floor. He appears to have lost the will to live.

 

4.27

Eridan has finally stopped talking. He is now weeping on Feferi’s shoulder. She pats his back awkwardly. Dave can’t believe how uncool all his friends are. He also can’t believe he just thought of Eridan as a friend.

 

4.32

The mechanics come in to tell them the air conditioning is fixed. Vriska is with them, looking extremely happy and extremely greasy. Bro wonders how she managed to get covered with engine oil whilst helping fix the air conditioning.

 

4.33

Bro finds out that Vriska specifically found and applied engine oil to make herself look more the part. He makes her go to the bathroom and wash off as much of it as she can. She grumbles, but goes anyway.

 

4.38

Vriska returns. She doesn’t look much cleaner. Bro herds all the kids into the van, and sets off. He breathes a sigh of relief as nothing awful happens.

 

4.39

Something awful happens. A banner bursts out of the exhaust pipe. It reads “Hahahahahahahaha suck8s!!!!!!!!”

 

4.41

Bro gets all of them to help push the van back to the garage. The mechanics laugh when they see them.

 

4.43

The mechanics have fixed the problem. Bro thinks they were probably in on the plan. He tells Vriska that the next time she sabotages the van, she’ll have to walk home. He thinks he might end up making them all walk home anyway. It might be more peaceful.

 

4.45

They finally manage to get under way again. Bro is enforcing ten minutes of silence. He says he’s beginning to get a headache. He says if there are any more dramatics, he’ll make them all walk home. They are beginning to stop taking his threats seriously.

 

4.51

Vriska has decided that ten minutes of silence is far too long. She’s started talking about everything she learnt from the mechanics. She is very enthusiastic about it. No one else is. Karkat looks like he wishes he wasn’t sitting next to her. He thinks he might go deaf in his left ear.

 

4.53

Sollux has turned around to tell Vriska to “Shut up, pleathe” because “nobody careth”. Privately, everyone agrees.

 

4.54

Vriska is sulking. Popular opinion is that this is preferable to the alternate option.

 

4.58

Eridan says he feels sick. He asks if he can sit in the front. Bro says no.

 

5.01

Eridan says he _really_ feels sick. He asks if they can pull over. Bro says no.

 

5.03

Feferi says Eridan looks like he’s about to puke. Bro pulls over. Eridan is sick all over the verge. He manages not to get any on his scarf, thanks to Feferi, who holds it out of the way. She hands him a bottle of water when he’s done, and he thanks her. He tells her she’s a good friend. She tells him to be careful not to get his cape in the sick.

 

5.07

Bro tells Dave to swap with Eridan. He does, reluctantly. They set off. Eridan has his window open and is leaning out of it. Bro thinks he looks like a dog. Dave thinks his scarf is going to fly off if he keeps it up.

 

5.10

Dave was right. They have to pull over to retrieve Eridan’s scarf. It takes nearly ten minutes to find, but Eridan refuses to leave without it. He finds it in a hedge. It’s slightly green now.

 

5.18

They set off again. Bro is glad they don’t have a definite destination. He’s certain they wouldn’t reach it if they did. He’s probably right.

 

5.22

Eridan is fiddling with the radio. He finds a song no one else has heard of. Bro doesn’t think Eridan has heard of it either. He’s right.

 

5.24

Bro turns off the radio. He tells Eridan to concentrate on not being sick.

 

5.25

Eridan is sulking.

 

5.27

Terezi has started singing “The Wheels on the Bus”.

 

5.29

Terezi has persuaded Karkat to join in.

 

5.31

Vriska has joined the singing, too.

 

5.32

As has John.

 

5.33

Feferi has joined in as well. Sollux and Dave are exchanging pained looks. Eridan wants to join in, but stares out of the window instead, pretending to ignore the singing.

 

5.35

Bro thinks “fuck it” and joins in too. He sings loudly and lustily, and surprisingly tunefully.

 

5.37

Feferi persuades Eridan to join in. Terezi and John persuade Dave to join in.

 

5.39

Bro organises an eight-part harmony. Sollux buries his head in his heads. He has never felt more ashamed to share a vehicle with anyone.

 

5.41

Bro splits the eight-part harmony into two four-part harmonies and starts a round. Sollux feels trapped in a hell of “The Wheels on the Bus”.

 

5.46

They get bored of “The Wheels on the Bus” and start singing “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star”. Sollux never knew hell had such good acoustics. The part of him that’s not wishing desperately for a car crash thinks they would make a good choir.

 

5.49

Sollux gives into peer pressure an joins in. He cannot sing in tune. The harmony breaks down and the singing ends. Sollux can’t help but feel a little pleased with himself.

 

5.51

Terezi starts a game of “I Spy”. She spies something beginning with “N”.

 

5.53

Karkat guesses “Nothing”. He’s right. Karkat tells her that “I Spy” isn’t the best game to pick when you’re blind. Terezi has to agree. They continue playing “I Spy” anyway. Karkat spies something beginning with “B”.

 

5.54

Terezi guesses “Bitch”. Karkat looks at Vriska and laughs, then says no.

 

5.55

Vriska guesses “Beautiful”. She’s right, but Karkat wasn’t talking about her. He blushes as he says he was talking about Terezi. She hugs him and he blushes more. Vriska pretends to vomit.

 

5.57

Vriska spies something beginning with “L”.

 

5.58

It is not “Lane”.

 

5.59

It is not “Lame”.

 

6.00

Karkat guesses “Losers”. It is “Losers”. Vriska says she’s sitting in a van full of them.

 

6.01

Karkat’s word begins with “A”. Vriska guesses “Asshole”. It is not “Asshole”.

 

6.03

It is not any variation on “Ass”. Vriska guesses all of them anyway.

 

6.04

Sollux guesses “Arachnid”. It is not “Arachnid”. Everyone except Vriska is slightly alarmed, and has to be reassured that there are no spiders in the van.

 

6.05

Sollux finds a spider. Bro orders Vriska to throw it out the window. She says she wants to keep it as a pet. He says that if she wants a spider for a pet she can buy one. She pouts and throws the spider out the window.

 

6.07

Karkat’s word is not “Alien”, “Android”, “Ash”, “Alpaca”, “Anger” or “A bird”.

 

6.09

Karkat’s word is not “A” or “An” anything.

 

6.10

Karkat’s word is not “Anything”.

 

6.11

Karkat does have a word. Karkat is not changing his word after every guess.

 

6.12

Karkat has to write down his word on a piece of paper and give it to Bro. Bro laughs when he sees what it is. Bro refuses to tell anyone else what it is. He says that’s against the rules of the game.

 

6.13

Karkat’s word is not “Aggravating little twerp”. Karkat says that’s not even one word.

 

6.14

John asks how many words begin with “A” anyway. He asks whether anyone has a dictionary. Dave opens a dictionary app on his iPhone and hands it to John. John starts working his way through the As.

 

6.16

Karkat’s word is not “Aardvark”, “Aardwolf” (which Karkat says can’t be a real word), “Aaronic” (ditto), “ABBA” (no one can see any Swedish pop groups, but you never know), “Abacus”, “Abandon”, “Abase”, “Abash”, “Abate”, and it is not a verb or an abstract concept so can John please stop going through the dictionary.

 

6.18

Karkat’s word is not “Anus”.

 

6.19

Karkat is sure his word isn’t “Anus”.

 

6.20

Vriska is banned from saying “Anus”.

 

6.21

John guesses “Air”. It is “Air”. They can’t believe they took twenty minutes to guess “Air”. John says he still wishes it was “ABBA”.

 

6.22

John is banned from singing “Dancing Queen” and told to get on with the game. John says he can’t think of a good word. Karkat tells him to just pick anything.

 

6.24

John’s word begins with “V”.

 

6.25

John’s word is not “Vriska”.

 

6.26

No, really, it’s not.

 

6.27

Bro tells Vriska to stop guessing “Vriska”.

 

6.28

John’s word is not “Violin”.

 

6.29

Or “Violins”.

 

6.30

Or “Violence”.

 

6.31

Karkat guesses “Van”. It is “Van”. Karkat complains about John’s stupidity in picking “Van”. John says Karkat told him to pick anything. Karkat says he assumed John would pick something slightly less moronic than the vehicle they’re sitting in.

 

6.32

Karkat’s word begins with “F”. Bro says he hopes it doesn’t start with “Fuck”. Karkat says he’ll have to guess and see.

 

6.34

Karkat’s word is not “Fuck”, “Fucknuggets”, “Fucker”, “Fuckers” or “Fuckbutts”. It is “Fuckass”. Karkat was referring to John. John is offended.

 

6.36

Bro says they have to stop playing “I Spy”. No arguing.

 

6.38

Vriska says it’s her turn to sit in the front. Karkat has a moment of panic, wondering whether sitting next to Vriska or Eridan would be worse. Eridan says he’s not moving. Vriska tells Bro to make Eridan swap seats with her. Bro says no. A loud argument starts.

 

6.49

They reach a compromise. Bro will use “Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” to decide who sits in the front. He pulls over and starts. Another argument begins. They can’t decide what animal it should be. Bro says chicken. Vriska says tiger. John says piggy. Karkat says monkey. No one agrees.

 

6.57

They decide on tiger, mainly because Vriska argues loudest. Bro doesn’t get much further before they start arguing about what the tiger has to do to be released. Vriska says holler. Bro say wriggle. John says squeal.

 

7.02

Bro decides it’s wriggle, and that all arguing must stop immediately or he’s not doing it. They go quiet very quickly, mostly at Vriska’s insistence.

 

7.05

“Eenie Meenie Miney Mo” decides that Vriska gets to sit in the front seat. Eridan reluctantly vacates it, and goes to sit next to Karkat. Karkat edges away from him. Eridan says he’s not going to vomit on him. Karkat says that’s not what he’s worried about.

 

7.09

They set off again. Eridan is staring out of the window, sulking. Vriska is bouncing in her seat. Bro already thinks this was a bad idea.

 

7.11

Vriska has turned the radio to a loud, obnoxious station.

 

7.12

Bro has turned the radio off.

 

7.13

Bro has turned the radio off again, and told Vriska that if it goes on again, she’s walking home.

 

7.14

Somehow, Karkat managed to launch some sort of projectile onto the on-switch of the radio, turning it back on. Bro doesn’t believe that Vriska didn’t do it. He pulls over and makes her get out.

 

7.19

Karkat confesses to having turned on the radio, with some encouragement from John. Bro turns the van around.

 

7.23

They find Vriska, walking along the side of the road with her hands in her pockets, kicking a rock and muttering under her breath. She says “I told you I didn’t do it” as she gets back into the van. Bro doesn’t say anything, he just turns on the radio. Loud, obnoxious music blares out of the speakers as they set off again.

 

7.27

Vriska still looks grumpy, but she has turned the volume right up and opened her window. She spots a pedestrian and makes a rude hand gesture. The pedestrian in question is a large, muscular man, who makes his own hand gestures back at her. Bro drives off quickly, before they can get into a shouting match.

 

7.32

Vriska is starting to smile a little, although she’s still pretending to be angry. She’s drumming on the dashboard in time with the music.

 

7.35

The music is now too loud for Bro to hear anything else. He thinks he can feel it beating against his skull.

 

7.38

Bro turns off the music. He enjoys the sensation of being able to hear himself think. He tells Vriska she’ll make herself deaf if she keeps listening to music like that. He feels more like a mother than ever.

 

7.42

Bro remembers Karkat is now next to Eridan. He asks Dave to check on them.

 

7.43

Dave reports that Karkat has fallen asleep and is leaning against Eridan, who also looks like he’s asleep, and is leaning against the window. Bro asks how they managed to fall asleep with that music on. Dave says he doesn’t know. Colourfully.

 

7.47

Karkat wakes up. He realises he was sleeping on Eridan, and starts swearing loudly. This, in turn, wakes Eridan up. They start arguing. Some of Karkat’s insults are particularly inventive.

 

7.51

Terezi gets both of them to shut up. They sit as far away from each other as possible, exchanging malevolent glares.

 

7.53

Sollux is leaning forward to whisper to Feferi. She giggles and glances backwards. Karkat doesn’t like the look of this. He edges further away from Eridan.

 

7.56

John turns around to talk to Karkat. Terezi tries to talk to him, but he ignores her. Karkat tries to bury himself in his seat.

 

7.59

Bro asks Dave why John is ignoring Terezi. Dave tells Bro about the time Terezi nearly got John killed. Bro whistles appreciatively.

 

8.02

Terezi tells John she _didn’t_ get him killed, so really it shouldn’t matter anyway. John says that’s only thanks to Dave. Terezi says the point still stands. John says the point is rapidly falling over.

 

8.04

Terezi needs the toilet. Bro starts looking for somewhere with a restroom.

 

8.07

Bro pulls over at a gas station, and Terezi goes in to use the toilet. He asks if anyone else needs to go. They all need to go. He leads them into the gas station, feeling like a mother duck, and they form a long queue outside the bathroom. The cashier gives them a strange look. Bro attempts to smile reassuringly, and look as little like a kidnapper as he can.

 

8.32

They have all finished using the toilet. Bro herds them out again. Once again, he wonders where his life went wrong. He didn’t ask for eight thirteen-year-olds, but they happened to him anyway.

 

8.34

Bro does a headcount and realises one thirteen-year-old is missing. He goes back inside and retrieves Karkat, who is very angry to have been forgotten. Bro apologises. Profusely.

 

8.36

Bro double checks everyone is there before setting off again. Privately, he wishes he could leave all of them behind.

 

8.38

Vriska turns on the radio. Bro turns it off again.

 

8.41

Bro pulls over at another gas station to buy himself a coffee. He thinks about it for a moment, then buys four espressos. He thinks he’s going to need them.

 

8.44

Bro realises it’s starting to get dark. He wonders whether they should think about stopping for the night.

 

8.49

Vriska asks if they can play a game. No one else wants to play. Vriska sulks.

 

8.52

The caffeine is starting to take effect. Bro has to stop himself from bouncing in his seat. He’s never felt more awake.

 

8.54

Bro is talking to Vriska very quickly. Only about half of what he says is registering. She just nods along, staring out of the window. She thinks that four espressos is excessive, especially when it’s only eight in the evening.

 

8.56

Thirteen-year-olds are starting to complain that they’re feeling hungry.

 

9.02

Bro pulls into a McDonald’s drive-thru, and orders their second heart attack-inducing meal of the day. He tells them that this time, they’re eating in the car.

 

9.05

Bro is expertly managing to drive along the highway whilst eating a hamburger. Everyone else is eating in silence. Some of them think that two McDonald’s meals in one day is excessive, even for thirteen-year-olds.

 

9.09

Dave decides to start a game. It’s called “Bro went to the store and bought”. Bro went to the store and bought an apple.

 

9.10

John’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought a bucket.

 

9.11

Terezi’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought a crayon.

 

9.12

Karkat’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought a dildo.

 

9.13

Eridan’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought an Eridan. Karkat protests. He says Eridan isn’t for sale. Dave says he is, for the right price. Eridan attempts to attack Dave, but is stopped by his seatbelt. Dave smirks smugly. Bro tells Dave to stop implying his friends are prostitutes. Bro says it’s not clever and it’s not funny. Dave rolls his eyes. He thinks it’s funny.

 

9.15

Sollux’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought some fellatio. John asks how you can buy “some” fellatio. Terezi asks what sort of store can you buy fellatio at, anyway. Feferi asks what fellatio is. None of their questions are answered. Bro tells them to keep it clean, or no game.

 

9.18

Feferi’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought some gnomes. John almost says gnomes doesn’t begin with “G”.

 

9.19

Vriska’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought Hell. Bro says he already owns it, and it’s called this minivan. No one but Vriska laughs.

 

9.20

Bro demands a turn. Dave agrees, reluctantly. Bro went to the store and bought Iowa. Karkat says this store is ridiculous. Terezi says Karkat’s face is ridiculous. Bro is hurt that this joke got more laughs than his.

 

9.22

Dave’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought Jackass. Bro says he already owns one and his name is Dave. This time, everyone laughs. Even Dave.

 

9.24

John’s turn. Bro went to the store and bought a kangaroo.

 

9.25

Bro interrupts Terezi before she can have her turn. He says they’ve forgotten the fundamental point of this game. It takes a moment for the rest of them to twig that they’re supposed to recite everything else Bro bought before adding something else. Dave, in particular, feels like a bit of an idiot. They can’t be bothered to start again, so they just give up.

 

9.28

Bro asks if anyone knows any other good games. Terezi suggests “I Spy”. Bro says that it’s now too dark for anyone else to spy anything, either.

 

9.31

Vriska suggests a game of her own invention. She starts to describe it, and Bro rejects it immediately. He says it’s impossible and highly immoral. She says it’s fun. He hopes she isn’t speaking from experience.

 

9.34

No one else has any suggestions. Bro says they could always play his favourite game. It involves staying silent. Whoever makes a noise first loses. Vriska thinks this sounds like an awful game.

 

9.36

They are playing the silence game.

 

9.37

Vriska has lost the silence game. Bro says they have to keep going until they have a winner. He says Vriska still has to stay quiet.

 

9.42

Karkat has lost the silence game. So has Terezi. They both blame each other.

 

9.45

Eridan has lost the silence game. He blames Karkat. Karkat doesn’t argue. Bro says no making other people lose.

 

9.49

John has lost the silence game.

 

9.51

Feferi has lost the silence game.

 

9.54

Bro has to remind everyone who’s lost that they, too, must remain silent. Vriska says this isn’t fair. Bro says life isn’t fair.

 

9.57

Sollux and Dave are still in the game. John is subtly trying to make Dave lose. Less subtly, Karkat is trying to make Sollux lose.

 

10.01

John is bored of trying to make Dave lose. He stares out of the window.

 

10.04

Bro tells Karkat to stop trying to make Sollux lose. Sollux sticks his tongue out at him. Karkat starts yelling. Around forty percent of the words he shouts are profanities.

 

10.07

Terezi and Eridan have managed to calm Karkat down. Sollux is trying not to laugh. He fails, and loses the game. Karkat laughs triumphantly. Sollux curses as he realises this was his plan all along. Dave is smugly victorious.

 

10.11

Bro decides just to ignore the arguments going on in the back of the van. He assumes they’ll stop soon enough.

 

10.24

The arguments are still going on. Bro is beginning to get a headache. He tells them to argue more quietly. They do. Mostly.

 

10.29

Bro is enforcing a rule of silence for Karkat. Karkat complains loudly. Bro says he’s breaking the rule. Bro asks if he wants to walk home in the dark. Karkat shuts up. He glares daggers at the back of Bro’s head.

 

10.35

Bro begins to enjoy driving along the highway in silence. He thinks maybe this trip isn’t so bad after all.

 

10.42

Bro thinks the van is getting unnaturally silent. He gets Dave to check what’s going on. In a whisper, Dave tells him that Karkat, Terezi and Eridan have all fallen asleep. Eridan and Terezi are both leaning on Karkat, who, for once, looks peaceful.

 

10.48

Dave quietly informs Bro that John, Sollux and Feferi have also fallen asleep. Bro asks Vriska if she feels like dropping off any time soon. She says no.

 

10.56

Vriska has fallen asleep. Bro goes to tell Dave it’s just the two of them now, only to find that he, too, is asleep. Bro enjoys the peacefulness of driving along with eight unconscious thirteen-year-olds. He tries to think of a way to make that sentiment sound less creepy, and fails.

 

11.03

Bro realises it’s gone ten and he has a van full of sleeping thirteen-year-olds. He thinks he should probably pull into a hotel. He wonders what sort of hotel would put up a man with eight thirteen-year-olds. He doesn’t think it’s the sort of hotel he’d like to stay at.

 

11.09

He spots a Travelodge and pulls into the car park. He locks the kids in the car and goes into the reception to ask about rooms.

 

11.13

The receptionist gives him a weird look when he says he wants rooms for one adult and eight children. She asks how old the children are, and he says thirteen. She gives him an even weirder look when he confirms that, yes, all of them are thirteen. All eight. He hopes he’s telling the truth. He never checked the exact age of all of them. He just assumed they were thirteen.

 

11.15

The receptionist tells him that the largest room she can give him is for four, but that he can’t leave thirteen-year-olds unsupervised. He tells her to give him a room for nine, then. She tells him she can’t do that.

 

11.28

Bro and the receptionist finally reach an agreement. She gives him two family rooms and a single, and he gives her a generous tip and promises not to sue the hotel if anything happens to the thirteen-year-olds. He also buys nine toothbrushes and three tubes of toothpaste. He asks if they sell pajamas. They don’t. He says it was worth a try.

 

11.30

Bro goes back out to the van to collect the thirteen-year-olds. Vriska and John are awake. They offer to help him wake everyone else up.

 

11.36

Everyone except Dave has been woken up. Dave refuses to wake up. Bro thinks he’s just being stubborn. He’s probably right.

 

11.38

Bro carries Dave into the Travelodge, followed by seven thirteen-year-olds. The receptionist tries not to laugh at the sight, and fails. Bro wonders again what he did to deserve this.

 

11.44

Bro dumps Dave onto a bed in one of the family rooms. He thinks he’s awfully heavy for a thirteen-year-old. Then again, he doesn’t carry many thirteen-year-olds. He gives out toothbrushes and tells everyone to brush their teeth at some point. He puts Dave, John, Karkat and Terezi in one room, and leaves Vriska, Feferi, Eridan and Sollux in the other, then retreats to his single room. He tells everyone exactly what will happen to them if they disturb anyone else, especially him. His description is graphic enough to terrify even Vriska.

 

11.57

Bro goes to bed. He enjoys the blissful quiet, and ignores the prospect of a ten o’ clock check out and long journey home the next day.

 

12.00

Eleven of the clock, and all is well. Everyone is asleep. Most of them are even peaceful.


End file.
